I cannot keep living with someone who views me as nothing. 

I refuse to live this way for much longer

I have one more year she always loves to say how she’s counting down the days when in reality

I have been counting down the decided

Since I was 8

I am 16 now

An age where I never imaged being or seeing but I feel blessed to be

The years I have spent, away counting and strategizing and creating my plan

To leave

To change 

To work

To be happy

To find who I am and to follow God 

Not a person who sees themselves as a higher power when they are too just as sinful as you and me 

Because who are you to say that I am nothing

Who are you to tell me that I amount to nothing

Who are you to tell me how I going to end up nowhere 

Who are you because that is not a mother

A mother loves and cares for you 

Not because “they have to”

But because they want to 

If you didn’t want the burden then why create four?

I forgave you for wrapping me into a chaotic life, but one mistake and I am forsaken

I disappointed you and you remind me of it every time I breathe

It is you who tells me I am nothing to you

It is you who tells me how I should be grateful that you bother to put a roof over my head

Because I am not deserving of it

I have done so much just to see a simple smile on your face, but you could never look at me with a genuine smile 

I know after the smile will come a complaint of how what was done for you 

Of how what was thought out for you was and will never be enough

Why is it that you see me as nothing?

My heart isn’t pure enough

You told me 

Then again you tell me how my attitude is the problem

Then why do you yell, cause a mess however you are angry 

Then you come and tell me it is my attitude 

Who are you

Why can people hurt others mentally and then expect the world on the other hand? 

Because you withhold the title of a mother that automatically gives you value?

Keep in mind that you are a mother, not God

So why tell me that I am destined to nothing?

Keep in mind that the words you say cut deep and this will affect the way I perceive you 

I forgive you for hurting me but I will never fully understand you

You tell me how I have no other parent to deal with me, but was it not you who made the choice 

I beg you to stop bringing me into an issue I never created 

If two “adults” are desperate for love and are bound to be together that is not my fault

That is not my fault he hurt you

You weren’t the only one who got hurt

I still have to live with the aftermath

When people ask me about who do you live with?

I say my mom and sisters 

They look at me funny 

I ignore it

When my friends tell me stories about how their mothers listen to them 

I feel hands around my neck

It feels like I am constantly getting laughed at or stabbed at 

Because the only thing that rambles around my head is I wish

I am happy for them because that is a blessing 

When people tell me stories of how they spend time with their dad and they wish to marry a man like their father 

This is where I feel sick to my stomach 

I want to run away and pretend like I had nothing to do with that conservation

Because neither of my parents taught me love 

I forgive my father but I will never erase the emotions, and memories that word evokes in my heart 

The pressure that it holds me up to

I will never understand why but I thank God we are here alive

Hurt is temporary 

I pray the Lord will heal my soul and my mother’s soul and my fathers 

Because yes, you hurt me but I don’t hate you 

You misunderstand me 

But maybe things will change 

I don’t know and that is out of my control but the meantime I will say with all honesty 

When I look at you 

I do not see love 

I see someone who will never see me as enough. That hurts because I thought mother meant love? 

But then again I don’t know what love is.

I do know what it is not.

Hurt.