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About Hannah

I love reading/writing! I also have a love for sports, art, roller skating, and crafting. I aspire to become a forensic physiologist. I would also be interested in studying medicine and viruses. I want to dive deeper into neuroscience and psychology. I want to help save lives and I enjoy meeting new people!

Acceptance?

Heart/Hurt – Nina Mundi

I cannot keep living with someone who views me as nothing. 

I refuse to live this way for much longer

I have one more year she always loves to say how she’s counting down the days when in reality

I have been counting down the decided

Since I was 8

I am 16 now

An age where I never imaged being or seeing but I feel blessed to be

The years I have spent, away counting and strategizing and creating my plan

To leave

To change 

To work

To be happy

To find who I am and to follow God 

Not a person who sees themselves as a higher power when they are too just as sinful as you and me 

Because who are you to say that I am nothing

Who are you to tell me that I amount to nothing

Who are you to tell me how I going to end up nowhere 

Who are you because that is not a mother

A mother loves and cares for you 

Not because “they have to”

But because they want to 

If you didn’t want the burden then why create four?

I forgave you for wrapping me into a chaotic life, but one mistake and I am forsaken

I disappointed you and you remind me of it every time I breathe

It is you who tells me I am nothing to you

It is you who tells me how I should be grateful that you bother to put a roof over my head

Because I am not deserving of it

I have done so much just to see a simple smile on your face, but you could never look at me with a genuine smile 

I know after the smile will come a complaint of how what was done for you 

Of how what was thought out for you was and will never be enough

Why is it that you see me as nothing?

My heart isn’t pure enough

You told me 

Then again you tell me how my attitude is the problem

Then why do you yell, cause a mess however you are angry 

Then you come and tell me it is my attitude 

Who are you

Why can people hurt others mentally and then expect the world on the other hand? 

Because you withhold the title of a mother that automatically gives you value?

Keep in mind that you are a mother, not God

So why tell me that I am destined to nothing?

Keep in mind that the words you say cut deep and this will affect the way I perceive you 

I forgive you for hurting me but I will never fully understand you

You tell me how I have no other parent to deal with me, but was it not you who made the choice 

I beg you to stop bringing me into an issue I never created 

If two “adults” are desperate for love and are bound to be together that is not my fault

That is not my fault he hurt you

You weren’t the only one who got hurt

I still have to live with the aftermath

When people ask me about who do you live with?

I say my mom and sisters 

They look at me funny 

I ignore it

When my friends tell me stories about how their mothers listen to them 

I feel hands around my neck

It feels like I am constantly getting laughed at or stabbed at 

Because the only thing that rambles around my head is I wish

I am happy for them because that is a blessing 

When people tell me stories of how they spend time with their dad and they wish to marry a man like their father 

This is where I feel sick to my stomach 

I want to run away and pretend like I had nothing to do with that conservation

Because neither of my parents taught me love 

I forgive my father but I will never erase the emotions, and memories that word evokes in my heart 

The pressure that it holds me up to

I will never understand why but I thank God we are here alive

Hurt is temporary 

I pray the Lord will heal my soul and my mother’s soul and my fathers 

Because yes, you hurt me but I don’t hate you 

You misunderstand me 

But maybe things will change 

I don’t know and that is out of my control but the meantime I will say with all honesty 

When I look at you 

I do not see love 

I see someone who will never see me as enough. That hurts because I thought mother meant love? 

But then again I don’t know what love is.

I do know what it is not.

Hurt.

Peace Will Be Found

How Our Brains Can Find Peace in a Crisis

All I ever truly wanted growing up was love and peace. Mainly peace. What child wishes to suffer? What sane person wishes to struggle till the day they die. Peace is subjective. I understand that. I also believe that in order to find peace we must not only look in ourselves but we must also uncover all that’s been hidden.

There has been so much that ponders me but there is one thing that I can’t help then to feel suffocated in. Is my religion. Don’t get me wrong. I am Christian and I believe in God yes. I don’t feel Christian enough. I feel that in order for me to truly find the peace I’ve been searching for all these years is that I must reach out and trust God. As almost every Christian would tell me to stay faithful. But if I have to be completely honest it feels difficult to find peace. Even with God. I feel disturbed and unheard.

No one talks about what to do when you feel unsure. I know that no matter how hard it gets if I wish to truly find peace I must be honest with myself and others. I chose peace because I wish to be nothing like those who hurt me. I chose to move on from the girl I once was. What makes me happy is that I know there will be a day where peace is all I know and see. Peace will greet me through its doors and welcome me to stay. I know peace is on its way.

When does it end

Have you ever told yourself this will be your last time? Only for it to be just the beginning. The beginning of your new addiction.

For some, it be hard to imagine. Others not so much. Addictions can and will come in all different forms, and shapes. Along with various problems. It’s something that will continue to straggle behind you throughout life. Unknowingly or knowingly. Acknowledging the issue is our first step to moving on. Then what. Action. Then you are cured! That’s what it looks like on the outside. Who knows what’s right! In your situation, the people you’re surrounded with may have no idea you’re even struggling to begin with! What does one do then? Some may suggest reaching out for support! Or going to therapy right? Because therapy can heal you. For some. My truth is it doesn’t. Well if therapy cured someone else then it’s bound to work for you as well too right? I wish. I wish I could fix the shattered pieces that seemed to puzzle me. I want to find what I’ve been searching for all these years. I do believe one thing. Finding some sort of purpose. While struggling against an addiction all on your own it will drain the life out of you. There’s no way to sugarcoat that.

It can and most likely will be scary to slowly stray away from your addiction. You know what I found fascinating is how people are addicted to the feeling of sadness. Some find comfort. It’s so much more than sadness. We find comfort in our addiction! That’s why we do what we do. It’s the last thing (or things) that we resort to that “fill” our emptiness. It’s like watering a seed. You only have one chance to help this seed grow. You can give it the love, support, and nutrition it needs. Or you can simply leave it alone and ignore the issues this seed faces throughout life. It comes to the point where you stop realizing about the things you do and the way you influence yourself is the problem. It’s like you can no longer see the reflection you wish to seek. Your mind is past your body. As if you’re no longer there. You are just sitting back and watching a life that was once yours.

Don’t be spiteful. I am not stating “addictions can’t be beaten”. There is one thing you must realize. You don’t always FULLY overcome your problems. Many of us just replace one with another.

What we do need to realize is that eventually our time will come.

Fulfilled

75 Fulfillment Quotes on Life & Happiness (SPIRITUAL)

I used to be silly. I used to never have to worry much! I had what I needed. A Lot of the
time I didn’t even realize when things were wrong. I just didn’t care. I felt as light as a
feather. A young youthful child who simply didn’t have time for anyone else’s nonsense
or foolishness. I would talk to others not filled with much anxiety. My head wasn’t spinning. My brain wasn’t on the verge of exploding into a million pieces all at once. I was a kid.

Now I have more of a purpose. I have dreams and worries. I have people in my face telling me who I should or shouldn’t be. Sometimes it even feels like my destiny’s already chosen before I get the chance to speak.

I want to make my own decisions. Not letting others choose my path for
me. I want to feel happy and fulfilled. The feeling of winning the lottery. Or even just pure joy.
Having your work pay off. After the long nights of studying and sleeping. I want to be
successful. I’d do anything to make my parents proud of me. The feeling of being smart.
Being sure of yourself. Is something I’ll always strive for. Despite all the dreams and goals, I
hold myself up to. I don’t want to waste my life away behind a desk. I love learning new things.

But I want more in life. I want to be more than a person who goes to school just to go home and study. There’s so much more to my life than school. I don’t hate school. I hate killing time. Time is precious it’s something you can never get back no matter how much you beg or cry. It can run away from the tips of your fingers. It’s limited. And you never know when the clock will end. As much as I love making my parents proud. I have life. I have so much more to me.

I don’t wish to be stuck in a never-ending cycle of work, sleep, and eat repeatedly. I want to
live a life that’s meaningful. I want a real reason to be here. Even when things get rough. I want

a life that’s worth remembering. One that’s worth all the pain, stress, and troubles that come
along with living. I don’t want to be trapped in this box. One that most people see, to live the
rest of the entirety. I want to feel and be free. Not being held somewhere against my will. I don’t

want to be in an unhappy home. I wish to travel the seas! To discover missing parts and pieces of the world. I want to make a difference. I want to help others! I want to be someone, not just another body behind a desk. Not just another waste of space. Not just another hopeless girl. Not just some failure who wished but never did. I want to be. I will be someone who tried. Who does her best when it comes to everything and anything! No matter how impossible it may seem I can do it!

I want to be the sea against the storm. Staying in place no matter who or whatever comes in my way. Life has more of a purpose than sitting around waiting for one. Waiting for a miracle to fly out of the sky. Laying flat into your hands. When I leave earth I would like to know I left making a difference. I wish for better. Better for those who deserve it but never received it. Better for those who are struggling to fight for what they deserve. I am going to live a fulfilled life. One with not only purpose. But with meaning. I wish to be surrounded by those who matter to me. I will be the difference. I will do what I’ve always wanted to. I’ll stop caring what others think. I will live a carefree life. Filled with meaning. My special purpose. This time I won’t hide away like the sun in the rain. Yet I will soar above the clouds like a spaceship with no landing. Heading wherever the path takes me.

Another Way

I know Mental Health awareness is everywhere. But there are still people out there struggling. Fighting for their life. It hurts to know many people feel there isn’t any way out. Well I am here to tell you there is. And to never give up on yourself. I know its hard to keep going, but it will be worth it! In the end you’ll be thankful you stayed. I promise. Life eventually turns around. It will take time. I just wanted to remind you that there’s always another way.

I wrote this prose for those who feel there’s no way out. Its called: “Still Here”.

Still Here

        For those who may feel like life is meaningless. Or simply believe there is no point of living. I have a short story to share with you. To help remind myself and others on why we should keep going; I’m still here. I love many things. School is one of them. There I get a chance to be creative and free. Not many restrictions. I have lots of hope and dreams as I enter the building of what feels like a second home. Here I am away from the troubles and stress. Or some of it. But there was a time when life wasn’t getting anywhere. I felt nothing but hopeless. The world around and its people were drained of color. The sun was hidden away for decades. It was like someone powered out the lights and decided to not turn them back on. For the longest time. I was locked in this room. There was a window. Where the door should’ve been. I was alone. Barely standing on whatever I had left of me. I was chopped up and scattered into bits and pieces. I screamed relentlessly. Crying for help. Any help. Your help. His help. Nothing left my mouth. I could feel the tears rushing over me like a ton of waves crashing against the shore. I was underwater gasping for air. Screaming. Pleading for someone to notice. And they didn’t. Suddenly everything went black. No. The room shrank. So did its window. The walls continue to cave in. Please stop. All I need is for someone to help me. I don’t understand how I’ve gotten to this point. But I feel lost and unworthy. I can’t do this anymore. Nothing. The walls started to cave in once more. I kicked and screamed. The window wouldn’t open. It just didn’t crack. Go. Tell someone we need help. We must get out now before it’s too late. The window began to shrink. What’s wrong with you? You must want to die. Nothing but silence filled the empty room. What’s the point of staying? They didn’t want you in the first place. They can’t help you now. They can’t hear you. They can’t see you. The window now as small as a dot- opens. Just a crack. I swore I could hear the slightest whisper. I ran. Ran faster, Like that would help. I ran but I didn’t move. We’re still here. In the same place where we once began. Now screaming or so I thought. I begged for help. I could see myself. I could see people off in the void. Hey! I need help. Now would be great. I’m sorry to bother you but I can’t do this for much longer. They looked at me. Simply stared. Straight through me as if I wasn’t even there. Taking one look at me then moving on with the rest of their day. Not even a hi or hello. No acknowledgement that I was ever there. At that very moment the window slammed shut. No one there. But me. The window then shrank to nothing but to the point of disappearance. You were supposed to be there for me. I yelled repeatedly. Why? Why am I still here? My body sinking into a muddy puddle. The room with its walls smashing me into one another. I knew it. I told myself this was it. I had accepted the fact that if they didn’t care about me then why should I. I let myself spiral into whatever I’d become. Just as my head sank under. A door appeared. The faintest brown I’ve seen in years. In the corner of the four walls the door was creaked open. Everything around me stopped. I stopped sinking. I was able to get up. There was no snake wrapped around my neck. The sun was no longer hidden.

The Strangers

If this movie doesn’t scare you then I don’t know what will! I personally have a strong love for any sort of horror/thriller films. I love anything and everything Horror related! The strangers is the perfect movie if you’re looking for something scary but non-paranormal. What truly sends chills down my spine is how it’s based off a true story. There were no ghosts involved and no sprites. Just real people who’re capable of re-acting the same crimes that once took place in that very house. Its terrify to me how they’re are people out there who have evil mentions.

In this movie you’ll soon see what I mean by this. It all starts at night. The couple are having a date night. Once they arrive home they’re both extremely tired. The finance who proposed to the woman has to go out and run some errands real quick. The Woman got angry that the finance was leaving her alone. She wanted him to stay with her. She felt uneasy. The finance managed to calm her down. He left. The woman then got lonely. She was wandering around the place they were staying.

Light footsteps. The sound is so faint. She spins around yet nothing is to be found. The paranoia doesn’t stop there. I hate to spoil such an amazing film for you all, but I have to warn you to always watch your back. As the homeowner noticed someone got in. Who? Where? How and when?

Why are these people targeting this specific house? Or is there a sinister reason behind it all. People aren’t who they seem? The scariest part of it all is not fiction whatsoever. Its based off of on couple. Who had little to no clue what would go down that very night. I wish you the best luck when watching. Moral of the story: Never answer the door for those who’re unknown. It can easily lead you to nothing but trouble. Or a traumatic death.

Never let your guard down. You never know who may be lurking.

Jane Anonymous: A Novel by Laurie Faria Stolarz

I have to say after reading this book I felt sad yet relieved. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I truly loved every bit of detail and description that was carefully poured into each and every chapter. It felt as if I was a part of the story myself. The feeling of betrayal of being unheard of by many others. Those who you thought you could trust. Imagine you’re being secretly watched for years and had no clue. That whatever evil has been following you creeps up behind you without any realization. Until it’s too late. It has you.

In this book we follow a teenage girl who’s wrapping up high-school with a job at her local jewelry store. She works from early morning to night. The jewelry store she works at is located near a dark forest with the surveillance cameras out of service. One night as Jane is closing the store getting ready to leave a man appears at the door. Begging for a minute. He claimed that all he needed was to buy a ring for his wife’s anniversary. Jane felt bad and unlocked the door. Little did she know this would be her biggest regret.

The man is dressed nicely. Hair styled back. His appearance charming enough to fool those around him. Just as the man chose a ring for his “wife” Jane offers him a small bag to put it in. She turns her back. The man jumps over the counter grabbing and pulling onto Jane. He forces a bag over head and drags her out of the shop effortlessly. He then shoves her into his trunk. Jane is screaming hysterically. No one can hear her. She dropped her phone in the store. The man tied the sack tight enough for her screams to be muffled. The trunk door locks. The engine is engaged. and the car zooms off into the distance. Into a land of insanity.

Jane’s phone is blowing up. Her mother and father are worried. Her best friend is calling her now worried. They were supposed to meet later. Jane never showed up. The shop is empty and everyone knows something is off. With anxiety overflowing the parents they inform the cops. A search is sent out only to find no trace of Jane.

Throughout the 6-7 months with her kidnapper Jane seems to believe she isn’t the first. She thinks she isn’t alone. But even at desperate times your thoughts may trick you. Will Jane make it out alive in one piece? Or does she seem to grow towards her kidnapper? Does she remember who she is after all this time? I have to say the ending will have you rethinking everything. You must be aware after reading you should always check your back. You never know when it’ll be your time.

-Hannah W.

Jane Anonymous by Laurie Faria Stolarz is available to checkout from the Mission Viejo Library. It is also available to download for free from Libby.